


Was

by Aryagraceling



Series: Catharsis [16]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Dark fic, Death Fic, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Illness, Past Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: He loved me. He always told me he loved me but he still left me. The lid of his casket shutting is the same noise as the final click of our front door when I stumble in. He’s six feet underground now, Hatake Kakashi is. Six feet underground and deader to the world than he was before he chose the fate his father did.





	Was

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [FWU_2019_Jan_New_Beginnings](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/FWU_2019_Jan_New_Beginnings) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>   
> 
> I came to help him defeat the darkness inside him. I didn't realize how bad it was until it threatened to consume me.
> 
> Warnings in the tags. Loads of triggering content.

I first saw Hatake Kakashi when I was young. When the porcelain ANBU mask came off and he revealed himself it was as though dawn broke over me. The cool grey of his eye on mine entranced me for a few seconds before he was gone, flickering away to the sound of my voice beginning to call his name. 

He was broken, Hatake Kakashi was. He was broken and I still loved him, even through the long nights up listening to him pace the hall as to not wake me. When he first began to unravel his past for me I listened well, listened to the sorrow in his voice as he told me about his fractured family, his dead team, his failed relationships with his team.

I reassured him that night he was wrong.

I kissed crystalline tears from silver eyelashes and held him close as he clutched my shirt. It was not a smart thing to do but I did it. I could help him, I  _ swore _ . He wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t have to fight his demons with no one else to ease the burden. It wasn’t smart and it wasn’t easy and ultimately led to nothing but heartache, but I  _ did _ it. 

It had led to here, staring down at his alabaster skin gracing the pillow in his coffin.

He’d been growing steadily worse for months. His hokage duties took their toll on him and on the days I wasn’t home until late, I often found him curled into himself. In the bed, on the couch, in the shower with the water long having gone cold, it didn’t particularly matter. Naruto volunteered his services for the position, and for one day Kakashi was happy. The two went out for food and Kakashi came back with a smile, leaving me to do my rounds of the house in peace.

I had to make sure he wasn’t harboring any secret blades, because those scars hurt worse than any he got in the field.

He laid me out that night and nearly caused me to cry. Seeing the cloud lift from him and light shining through again was almost too much and as he loved me, my chin quivered. I dug my nails into my palm and persevered because Kakashi’s happiness should not depend on me. Though the tears were happy tears, tears of joy at the fact that I could see something other than sadness in him, I knew he would not take them well.

I came to help defeat the darkness inside of him, and I failed. 

People’s hands burn on my shoulder as they tell me about their memories of my partner. He was a good neighbor, Izumo and Kotetsu say with the barest smiles, before he moved in with you. Anko tells me about when they used to drink together. Genma taps his senbon on his leg and just leans into me, sorrow evident in the lines around his eyes as he sighs heavily. 

It rains that day, just as hard as it did at Hiruzen’s funeral. 

He loved me. He always told me he loved me but he still left me. The lid of his casket shutting is the same noise as the final click of our front door when I stumble in. He’s six feet underground now, Hatake Kakashi is. Six feet underground and deader to the world than he was before he chose the fate his father did. 

“Why?” I whisper as I sink to the floor. His shoes haven’t moved from their place on the mat and I slide my hands over my eyes to get rid of the ghost of him bending down to put them on. Sometimes he used to put mine on as well, looking up at me with wide eyes as he caressed the skin of my legs. “Why’d you do it?”

It was because I couldn’t stop him, I know it was.

I haven’t gone into the living room since I walked in on him four days ago. He was laying on the carpet face down and I thought--I  _ hoped-- _ it was just another breakdown. I hoped it was Kakashi having enough with the world and turns out it was, it really was. He’d had enough and left a stain on the carpet I wasn’t ever going to get out. 

The grip of his sword rests cool in my hands as I draw it out of where he stashed it in the closet. Our bed doesn’t feel as warm when I sit on it and let the metal gleam. It’s almost...fitting, I think as I nick my palm on the blade, that we go out the same way. Life without Kakashi would be meaningless and a meaningless life is not one I want to live. 

Maybe I should go outside, not stain the sheets. His grave would be okay. Fresh grass and the knowledge that I’m so close,  _ so  _ close to being reunited with him. Missions weren’t as bad because I knew he’d be back. Hatake Kakashi always came back. He might come back chakra exhausted and near death but he always came back  _ alive,  _ and now…

I don’t bother changing out of funeral clothes. I haven’t cried since they came to take his body away and that doesn’t change now. There’s a steely determination in my eyes as I look in the mirror, brushing my hair out of my eyes and straightening my spine. He told me about the afterlife. He told me about his father and now, I’ll meet him on the same log around the same fire. Father and son will become my husband and I. 

The sword drags on the floor as I trudge to the front door. There’s someone on the other side--I can feel the chakra, it’s Naruto, coming to check on me--and I just really,  _ really  _ don’t have the energy to deal with him right now. I might as well do it here, I think as he knocks again. Just…

His voice is worried now, words coming quicker and tumbling out of his mouth as he rattles the doorknob. “Come on, let me in, I can feel you, you know,” he says. 

The blade digs into my stomach as I sink, wide-eyed, to the floor in the middle of the hallway. “Please leave,” I say, voice breaking as the tender skin splits the tiniest bit. “You don’t need to see this, Naruto, please.”

I don’t have a chance to go any further before the door’s knocked off its hinges. Splinters fly and the sword clangs to the floor as he kneels in front of me and takes me into his arms. “No, no, I’m not going to lose you too, I  _ can’t.”  _ He’s shaking, dragging me along with him as tears finally begin to wet my cheeks. “I lost Sasuke and sensei and I’m not losing you too.”

“It’s not your decision,” I whimper. “He’s dead and I want to follow, so just let me. There’s nothing for me here, just let me go.”

“There’s me. You’re coming home with me.” He kicks the sword and lifts me into his arms to carry me the same way Kakashi used to, with my arms curled around his neck and head pressed into his chest. “We’re going home, Sakura. We’re going home.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
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